I woke up this morning from a weird dream.
In a fancy clothing shop, after choosing the pants and socks to match, a salesman points out to me a box of ties on sale. I rummage through and see one tie with illustrations of animals on it – black sheep, black cow, etc. ha ha. sorta cute, the type of tie I’d never wear – but then I realize that the style of drawing is familiar. I turn it over and see a signature. It’s a limited edition and the artist whose signature I recognize at once was my first love 20 years ago and broke my heart by cheating on me with half of Tel Aviv and lying about it when I found out.
What was THAT about? I sat up with my morning tea thinking about trust, and how easy it is to break it, and how hard it is to build it back. Even after 20 years, many loves and lessons later, something lingers in my heart from this first big experience with a trust that is broken into bits.
Life’s not fair. I know this now. This past year alone has shown me how some people make it in the world while stepping on others who are full of goodness and how fame and fortune favors those who are not always worthy of respect. I won’t get into the details and those of you who know, know, but the trust I had in someone crashed like a priceless vase and I’m now busy picking up the pieces. The vase will mend. But my trust in people, I realize, is badly shaken. I’m thinking a lot about trust and how to rebuild it. I don’t want to be stuck in bitterness and suspicious and jaded, guarded, pessimistic being.
I want to trust the world, trust people. Even when the world is not so fair and not everybody is trust worthy. (this is connected to faith in a Divine Presence even when things fall apart- but in a much more basic way.)
My intention for this new year, on the eve of this last shabbat of current year is not to lose trust. To work hard on cultivating it. And to make sure I too am worthy of being trusted. And loved.
At least I fully trust my taste in fashion. Even in my dream I put that awful tie away and walked away from yet another silly sale.