40 ways in 40 days to find your focus: High Holidays Virtual Journey with Amichai Lau-Lavie:
O. led a yoga class this morning and talked about the lotus, rising serene out of the mud of the swamp. It’s the same with this process of self awareness, perfection, change – we got to go through the dirty laundry, our black lists, our shame – to clean up.
I spent shabbat upstate, off the grid, unplugged, doing yoga, resting – and thinking about my black list of people with whom I have unfinished business – and talking about it with my friends. O., when asked to make her list of 3-5 people on her list right away listed a woman who wronged her in 1976 – pretty detailed and bad blood. C. listed, without blinking 3 business relationships gone sour. My own list provided people who in one way or another promised me things and than vanished away.
Well, we made the list (big step!) – now what???
The lists, we agreed, are not even. Need to sort em out. In some cases there are amends to be made, apologies requested or offered. In some cases the deed was done, a truce of sorts was made, and still a nagging tension lingers. What IS unfinished business? what if they are dead?
Case by case. And we all agreed that this is a slow process – that it takes time to dare delve into the deep recess of what we prefer not to think about.
The goal is to be lighter, focused, less weighted down with grudges and angers. Like a lotus – this takes time and effort.
So how do we address our black listed?
with intention and patience: One at at time.
I am going to send an email that has indeed been in my draft folder for over two years to # 1 on my list. I dont’ expect great friendship to re-emerge. But I want to let him know exactly how and why he hurt me, and that I don’t want to be in the position again of bumping into him at some social event and smile fake and awkward. Just clear the waters, empty my draft inbox.
Number two on the list is, the more I think about, not that important. Yes, she ought to apologize, but time makes it all look silly.
and actually, that’s sort of the same with the rest of my list. so far.
Tomorrow, back home, I will start with the A-Z address book search. Who gets deleted? who gets a note? where is there a tinge of ‘ouch – we gotta talk?’
I’ll give it a full week.
And there is of course, another big question as we go through the books of life our lives – who’s BLACK LIST AM IN ON?? do i even know? suspect? guess but not dare admit it? As I go through my list – and you through yours – that’s the harder one to ask – and the one where real work may be also pending.
On the 20 min. daily workout news – YES! swimming yesterday Yoga today. E. emailed to report that, despite how much she hates it, she went running both days!
Lotus flowers, emerging upwards. 28 days to go.