Amichai’s Top 50/28 “Smalltown Boy”

“Mother will never understand why you had to leave
But the answers you seek will never be found at home
The love that you need will never be found at home”

Today is international day against homophobia transphobia and biphobia. Originally started in Germany, this date matters: 17/5 echoes Paragraph 175, the infamous anti-gay clause used by the Nazis to incarcerate and murder over 100,000 homosexuals during the Third Reich.

But at my home we never spoke about THAT part of THE War or about any of this at all. By age 13 I knew I was gay and I knew I had to hide it deep – from family, classmates, teachers, God.

1985, age 16: Yeshiva High School. Deep inside the closet I don’t quite manage to hide. Taunts, accusations, verbal bullying from other students, along with my denials, joking about it – what, me, gay? No way..
The fear. The lonely nights. Yes, thoughts of suicide.

Then one night in a club I sneak to with a few other girlfriends from another school, dressed in our 80’s whatever – and this song comes on and I slowly get what they are singing about, and I sob and I dance it, and then I see the video clip on MTV and I know I’m not alone and that there are other Smalltown and big city kids out there just like me, looking for love, figuring out pride, running away from home to come home.

To all of us, to all of you, to all – Not alone. Never alone. Loved as we are, created in Divine image, born this way, shine on. I hope today helps at least one terrified and angry kid remember – never alone, love is love. Welcome home.

Shabbat Shalom.

Amichai’s Top 50: Soundtrack of my life. 4/20-6-8 2019/Passover-Shavuot 5779

– Amichai

Amichai’s Top 50: Soundtrack of my life. 4/20-6-8 2019/Passover-Shavuot 5779

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