DAY 30
Fresh from Glee: I am beautiful no matter what they say.

So somehow I too got hooked, sort-of, and got into Glee, finding what once upon a time I so loved in opera: larger than life, ridiculous, hilarious, moving, over the top human yearnings sung out loud. It’s such an amazing ancient recipe – music gives voice to the unspoken, unspeakable subtext of our lies, lives and loves – no matter of it’s bway show tunes or sacred hymns or lullabies.
Last night on Glee a big boned African American girl (I don’t remember the names yet, sorry) took center stage and proclaimed self love, no matter what they say or what size you are – you are beautiful.
I watched and remembered, once, 20 years ago (when I still really loved opera) never mind the circumstances, I had a revelation: heard a voice speak to me, clear and instructive and loving. The voice was that of a big boned African American female, and I know now what I suspected then – it was the voice of God. That revelation changed me life.
I can just about feel your eyebrows hitting the ceiling from where I sit right now (in mid-air, btw, NYC to Denver, wrapped in clouds)
But, really. Whatever the divine is, and in whatever words or symbols revelations happen – that was mine. And since then, I know, deeply, that the voice of the mystery that speaks to my inner soul emanates from the dark ancient places, feminine, wise, wild, embodied.
And as I journey towards the 50th night, this destination, on the mountaintop of mythic possibilities, the volcano they call Sinai, where once the Divine spoke to people in multiple voices and all heard and understood – I travel back to the Voice.
And last night, on TV, she spoke again, proud and loud and beautiful.
Outside, the moon was full, bright against the darkness of the night. In Hebrew, one of the names for the moon is Levana – She Who is White. And last night, the White and the Black winked at each other inside my mind.
Tonight is night 30. Gevura of Hod – the discipline within Awe, the boundaries within the humility of existence. How do I find structure to help me ground my journey, order to balance the chaos? I commit myself to hearing Her voice – all voices, reminding me of the self love, love of all, surprising revelation in unexpected places and life in the service of the great quest for humility in the service of this greater love. And, listen well to that voice reminding me that even if i’m not in the gym as often as I’d like and have no idea where my yoga mat has gone to, and wish I was more in shape, blah blah.. beautiful. as is.

Here’s a 2,000 years old hymn that perhaps was once a cheerleaders’ hymn. It comes from the Gnostic gospels, translated by Elaine Pagels, and it is the hymn of the dark goddess, called ‘thunder – perfect mind’

I am the first and the last.
I am the honored one and the scorned one.
I am the whore, and the holy one.
I am the wife and the virgin.
I am the mother and the daughter.
I am she whose wedding is great and I have not taken a husband.
I am knowledge and ignorance.
I am shameless; I am ashamed.
I am strength and I am fear.
I am foolish and I am wise.
I am godless and I am one whose God is great.
(Elaine Pagels, The Gnostic Gospels)

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